Conflict During Family Gatherings

Written By: Richard Hutchins, CD

This article is a contribution on behalf of the IDA Health & Wellness Taskforce. Additional resources can be found here.

Family gatherings start with great intentions but can soon escalate into something that we do not expect. When you have a gathering of family members with different personalities, views, and outlooks in life this can be a common occurrence. Any number of issues could arise. You need to focus on what the gathering is about rather than egos. 

Make your intentions clear. When you arrive, before you enter, say to yourself that you will avoid conflicts, won’t take things personally, and won’t get personal or involved in a discussion about something others do not agree with. Remember, it’s an occasion for all family members to be together at once. That’s a special time and it should stay special, not devolve into something ugly. 

Focusing on what you have in common and what the gathering is about is important. Talk about topics from childhood, memories with your parents and grandparents. Stay away from conflicts. Avoid talking about politics, what’s been said on social media, religion, why certain people are together, or why certain people got married. All these factors could just fuel the fight and before you know it, you are fighting over nothing that concerns you. Talk about your old memories, keep up a family tradition. You may have all gone in different directions, but your roots connect you all together. Letting your parents see the arguments and fights can have a long-lasting negative effect on them mentally. Is this how you want to be remembered, because you could not keep it together for a few hours out of a year?

Sometimes phones can be a big distraction. People are constantly on them, and this can fuel an argument. People could become a little paranoid thinking about who someone is messaging, what's being discussed, if they're being talked about, and similar topics.

Consider starting a no-phone policy for family get-togethers. Have everyone turn off their phones, designate a single phone that stays on or have a separate camera to take all the photos and share them later. This gives you all the chance to talk to each other and have some fun without the distraction of a mobile phone.

Sometimes the little things can be the most annoying and stressful. Try to think of something different when the little things annoy you. Say to yourself, "yep that’s my brother, sister, uncle, or aunt." That’s them, their little unique features. Do not let it bug you and build a burning fire inside. Do not let the little things get to you. The last thing you want is to be remembered for storming out and leaving the party. This will just create a negative atmosphere the next time you are all together and ongoing arguments with people asking why you stormed out.

Do not get involved with playing games. They can lead to situations of gloating, complaints, or strong competitive behavior. Ultimately, this could end up causing a big argument. If someone who wants to win does not win, there will be words to be had, others will be blamed, and your competitive edge may come out. So, stay away from what could cause a conflict. 

Just be you and let them be who they want to be. Remember, a family get-together is not the place for an argument or to discuss what you’re not happy about. It's a family reunion. It should be a happy environment, not one with conflict. Sometimes in life, we must bite our tongues and go with the flow just to save the peace.

Having all family members together under one roof can be difficult to arrange and when it does happen it should be a moment of happiness because when they are gone you will miss them. So, create good memories to cherish for the future for your children or grandchildren. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated. That is a golden rule to live by. Do not treat other loved ones with disrespect if you do not want to be treated that way either, no matter what’s gone on in the past. It does not matter how well your loved ones have done compared to you, you should be pleased for them and congratulate them that they have done something great.

When you can get together with family, just think of yourself as the lucky one. So many families can’t be together. Count your blessings that your family is together, many are not so lucky.

Make sure you let your family know they are welcome in your home and that they feel loved. Make sure they leave with a warm loving heart and a feeling of being wanted and respected.